I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
