Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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