After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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