I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
