sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
