its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize