i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
