Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
