woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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