trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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