He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
