If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
it's great music for shaving your balls
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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