It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
This is my gift to your gina
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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