allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
