Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
