Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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