John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
