he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
