if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
