best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
