He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
