What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize