I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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