Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
