You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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