Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
