hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Are my feet made of real feet?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
