I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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