all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
