she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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