my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
