oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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