I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
