something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
