You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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