She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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