I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
