idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
