my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Randomize
