I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
