Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
