After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
