I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We were destined to go to rehab together
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
