it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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