You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
