is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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