Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
