So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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