my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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