I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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