Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
