I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize