My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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