People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
