i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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