Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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