Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
