I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
