I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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