I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
